Why Do I Keep Going Back to Drinking? Understanding the Cycle
- Amy C. Willis
- May 10
- 6 min read
You wake up feeling anxious, exhausted, frustrated, or disappointed and think:
I need to stop doing this
You tell yourself it will be different this time.
Maybe you take a few days off drinking.
Maybe you make it a week.
Maybe you start feeling better physically and mentally.
And then somehow, almost without thinking about it, you end up drinking again.
If this cycle feels familiar, you are not alone.
One of the most common things I hear from women is:
I don’t understand why I keep going back to it
And usually, underneath that question is shame.
The assumption is:
I must lack discipline
I must not want it badly enough
something must be wrong with me
that living an alcohol-free life isn't an option
But repeatedly going back to drinking is not usually about a lack of intelligence, awareness, or desire to change.
It is usually the result of deeply reinforced patterns, habits and beliefs, not to mention that alcohol is widely available, socially encouraged and normalized and one of the most addictive, habit-forming substances on the planet.
Why You Keep Going Back to Drinking
Most drinking habits do not happen randomly.
They become attached to:
stress
exhaustion
emotional relief
routines
environments
social expectations
nervous system regulation
Over time, your brain starts associating alcohol with:
relief
reward
comfort
transition
escape
So even when part of you genuinely wants to stop drinking, another part of your brain has learned:
alcohol helps me cope
That learning does not disappear overnight just because you made a decision.
The Pattern Usually Looks Like This
For many women, the cycle looks something like:
stress → urge → drink → temporary relief → regret → resolve to stop → stress → repeat
And because alcohol does temporarily change how you feel, the pattern gets reinforced.
That does not mean alcohol is actually helping you.
It means your brain is learning to associate alcohol with relief.
This is one of the reasons moderation often feels so difficult to sustain long-term:
Why Willpower Isn’t Enough
A lot of women believe they just need to “try harder.”
But willpower is unreliable at the best of times and especially when:
you are burned out
emotionally depleted
stressed
overwhelmed
isolated
operating on low capacity
By the end of the day, your brain is not looking for long-term growth; it is looking for immediate relief.
That is why so many women find themselves drinking most heavily in the evenings:
And if stress is one of the biggest triggers for your drinking, this will likely resonate too:
Why Shame Keeps the Cycle Going
One of the most damaging parts of this cycle is the shame attached to it.
Women often interpret going back to drinking as evidence that they have failed, which is categorically false.
Shame is an unhelpful tool or approach to creating lasting change. In many cases, shame works in the opposite way we want it to.
More often, it creates:
hopelessness
emotional overwhelm
secrecy
self-criticism
disconnection
Ironically, those emotional states often increase the urge to drink again.
This is another part of why the cycle can feel so hard to break.
Because shame itself becomes part of the loop.
The Nervous System Piece Most Women Miss
A lot of drinking patterns are less about alcohol itself and more about what alcohol is doing for your nervous system or how what's happening in your nervous system is driving you to seek relief.
Alcohol can temporarily:
numb stress
create a sense of calm and relaxation
slow racing thoughts
create emotional distance
reduce tension
create a sense of reward after difficult days
If your life feels chronically overwhelming, your nervous system starts viewing alcohol as a fast way to regulate. Ironically, while alcohol does create a temporary reprieve, it actually creates more stress and anxiety, throwing your body into a tailspin.
That is why simply removing alcohol without changing anything else can feel incredibly difficult.
The goal is not just to stop drinking.
The goal is to build a life and nervous system that no longer needs alcohol in the same way.
If You’re Stuck in This Pattern
If you keep going back to drinking despite genuinely wanting to stop, it does not mean change is impossible.
It usually means you need more than willpower and motivation.
You need:
awareness of the pattern
practical support
structure
strategies that work in real life
tools that help you respond differently when urges hit
This is exactly the work I do inside private coaching.
Together, we unpack the patterns driving your drinking, reduce the shame attached to them and build systems that support meaningful, lasting change.
You can learn more about private coaching here:
What Actually Helps Break the Cycle
Breaking the cycle is not about becoming perfectly disciplined; it is about interrupting the pattern consistently enough that your brain starts learning something new while also creating new habits, routines and systems that support an alcohol-free life.
1. Identify Your Triggers
Most urges are connected to something.
Common triggers include:
stress
loneliness
exhaustion
conflict
boredom
social anxiety
transitions at the end of the day
The more clearly you understand your triggers, the more capable you are of navigating them differently.
2. Make Your Evenings Easier
A lot of drinking happens when women are depleted.
If your evenings are overloaded, chaotic or emotionally exhausting, your brain will naturally seek relief.
Reducing pressure matters.
That might look like:
simplifying your evenings
reducing commitments
ordering dinner
going to bed earlier
delegating household tasks to others in your home
building actual recovery into your routine
3. Replace the Function of Alcohol
Alcohol is serving a purpose.
If you only focus on removing it without understanding what it is doing for you, the urge usually remains.
In addition to removing alcohol, it's important to also understand what alcohol is doing for you and why you're reaching for it. Identifying the need below the craving for a drink is important. Ask yourself what do I actually need right now? It might be:
Relief
Comfort
Escape
Rest
Connection
The more directly you meet those needs, the less power alcohol tends to hold.
4. Stop Relying on Motivation Alone
Motivation and willpower change and fluctuate constantly which is why both are unreliable as primary strategies to quit drinking and create lasting change.
Structure matters much more.
This includes:
changing routines and habits
building accountability
shifting beliefs and mindset about yourself, your ability and the role alcohol plays in your life
creating support systems
reducing friction around healthier choices
cultivating self-awareness around needs and meeting those needs
learning how to support your nervous system and manage stress differently
This is one of the reasons support often makes such a significant difference.
Trying to change deeply ingrained patterns entirely alone, without a roadmap, tools or support, can be incredibly difficult.
A Quick Reality Check
If beating yourself up actually worked, it probably would have worked by now.
If You’re Ready to Break the Pattern
If you are tired of repeating the same cycle with alcohol and want support that goes deeper than “just try harder,” you do not have to navigate this alone.
Inside private coaching, we:
identify the patterns driving your drinking
reduce shame and self-blame
build practical strategies that actually fit your life
strengthen your ability to follow through consistently
You can apply for private coaching here:
If you are looking for ongoing support and community while changing your relationship with alcohol, you can also learn more about The Well Circle here:
FAQ: Going Back to Drinking
Why do I keep going back to drinking even when I want to stop?
Because drinking patterns are often deeply connected to stress relief, routines, emotional coping, and nervous system regulation. Wanting to stop is important, but it usually is not enough on its own to undo reinforced patterns.
Why is it so hard to stop drinking?
Alcohol temporarily changes how you feel, which reinforces the behaviour. Stress, exhaustion, burnout and emotional overwhelm can also make urges much stronger. If you've been struggling with burnout and using alcohol to cope, check out: Women, Burnout, and Alcohol: Why Drinking Isn't Fixing Exhaustion.
Does going back to drinking mean I failed?
No. It usually means the pattern has not been fully interrupted yet. Shame and self-criticism often make the cycle harder to break, not easier.
What helps people stop going back to alcohol?
Awareness, structure, support, nervous system regulation, and strategies that reduce reliance on willpower alone.
Why do I drink most in the evenings?
Evenings are often when stress, exhaustion, loneliness, and emotional depletion catch up with people. Alcohol can start to feel associated with relief and transition at the end of the day.
The Bottom Line
If you keep going back to drinking, it does not mean you are incapable of change.
It means a pattern has been reinforced over time.
And patterns can be understood, interrupted, and changed.
Not through shame. Not through perfection. And not through endlessly trying harder.
But through awareness, support, structure, and learning new ways to respond when life feels difficult.
Cheering you on, always 🫶🏼
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